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FANMAIL: “Willy Trolove writes a load of rubbish and should be sacked” letter to the editor “You are an interllectual Juvenile” Quote from an email sent by an aggrieved reader who unwittingly provides an almost perfect example of irony. “Willy Trolove is the Jonathan Swift of the Antipodes” letter to the editor |
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Writing Willy’s columns have appeared in a number of newspapers and magazines in New Zealand and Australia including the following: Metropolitan Newspapers: · Brisbane Courier-Mail · Christchurch Press · Dominion Post · New Zealand Herald · Sydney Morning Herald · Otago Daily Times Magazines: · Avenues · Boating NZ · Engineering World · E.nz · Homestyle · Home & Entertaining · Next Willy Trolove Quotes Adjusting an EXTERNAL TV AERIAL requires two people. One person stays inside watching the television. The other person goes outside, grabs the ladder, wrestles with the aerial and shouts "How's that now?" and "Is that any better?" and "Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" while trying not to fall off the roof. RUGBY unites and divides New Zealanders in a way that no other form of organised violence can. JOINING A GYM will help you fend off unwanted suitors. “I’m sorry, that’s my gym night” is a much more believable excuse than “I have to wash my hair”, “I’m reconditioning my lawnmower” or “My cat is unwell”. EXHAUSTION is the process by which an inflatable mattress is inflated. According to the manufacturer this should only take a few minutes, but it typically takes several hours because the purpose-built nozzle on the foot-pump doesn’t actually fit into the purpose-built valve on the mattress. REMINISCING allows us to mourn for the simple life we had before we had to figure out how to use the all-in-one fax-printer-copier-hairdryer machine. If you worked out what proportion of your life you spend in QUEUES, you would have to be unemployed because nobody with a job would have enough time to carry out such a ridiculous exercise. REMEMBERING NAMES is difficult. When I go to a party I am far too busy thinking about the food to remember that the bloke I have just met with the uncontrollable need to talk about his intestinal parasites is, in fact, called Desmond. HAIR TRANSPLANTS involve relocating some of your hair to your scalp from places where it isn't needed so much, such as, presumably, your armpits, your chest, and those intimate areas which, because this is a family publication, I will describe in code by writing the word backwards: your slirtson. Where you pin your NAME-TAG tells the world what kind of person you are. If you pin it to your tie, you are quite obviously a man. If you pin it to your blouse, you must be a woman. And if you pin it to your ear, you are clearly bonkers.
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READ selected columns: Last Sunday I attended Toast Martinborough - a wine festival in the Wairarapa - in my usual capacity as someone who knows nothing about wine except how to drink it... Chile. Now there's a name. Think Chile and you think mountains, alpacas and rugby players that eat each other... If you don’t take the point you’d better take cover There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who love cricket and those who don’t understand it...
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© Willy Trolove 2006 |
